Artistic Burnout

I haven't posted in a while so I guess it's time to get back to that. This is a pretty serious journal entry and touches a lot on heavy subject matter like depression, anxiety and self-esteem. I'm mostly just writing this for myself so I can get it off my chest, but it's also on here for others to read if they really want to understand. If not, then that's cool. I can't force anyone to do anything and it doesn't bother me. Alright, here goes.

Over the last few years my art production has dropped drastically. Originally I thought it was just art block and it would be something that I would get over quickly. I've had art block before so that wasn't a new thing, but the duration of that block varies. In high school I pumped out completed pieces almost every week. It's what filled up my class time, kept me focused and calm. It kept my insecurities and worries at bay. I got excellent grades in school so the teachers didn't really bother me when I drew in class. As long as I turned in my work and proved that I knew the material it was fine. I carried around my sketchbook everywhere (still do) and draw in my free time. It was great, especially when I discovered the wonders of a knock-off version of photoshop and went digital.

Once I graduated high school and started to attend Snow College I took more advanced art classes. My world got so much bigger once I was introduced to new ideas and I saw things in ways I never would have imagined before. I worked with all kinds of mediums and practices. I got back to my passion for woodshop and design and even new things I never tried before. The whole thing was a spike in my learning curve. I produced artwork with more more finesse and attention to detail and poured my art and soul into everything I did. It was amazing. I was surprised to see so much growth in just a matter of two and a half years under amazing art instructors and peers. I still love what I made at Snow with a burning passion.

As time ticked on, though, my personal free time drawing decreased. I really loved to see the way I evolved and grew as an artist, but that mentality grew detrimental. I started seeing myself improving finally realized what I can create with so much time and effort. The blood, sweat and tears that I poured into my art really showed and I was proud, but not in an arrogant matter. I never saw myself as better than my peers. There were a few that were leaps and bound ahead of me and some that were behind, but I saw myself as equals to them. It's a way to keep your humility in check. No one is above or below, just different. Envy did creep up on me at unsuspected times, but I pushed it away. Anyone I thought who had more skill than I did I took as inspiration. Praise is good and lifts self-esteem, but constructive criticism is better. You learn. You grow.

Back to the main point, I loved what I was producing. I drew for myself and it made me happy. I don't care what others think, although I could always use that validation that I was good from someone else to keep my esteem afloat. The problem wasn't what other thought of me or my art. It was mostly what I thought of myself. I thought that with such wonderful final pieces coming out, this was what all of my art should be. Now that I know what potential I have, I want to make all of my art with the same love and devotion as these pieces. Anything less and I'm not satisfied. I wouldn't love them enough unless they got the same treatment. An unfinished piece is lazy. What are you doing? You know you can do better, so do it.

These sorts of expectations piled on top of each other and got heavier and heavier the more I held them. I was taught to always do my best. This was my best, anything less would be settling and that's unacceptable. So as much as I drew in my sketchbook, I ended up not finishing a lot of them. The sketches were complete but it took hours to transfer them to digital media or color or shade or anything. I wanted my sketches to look nice and completed and show off my skill at digital art and the practice I've developed since I first touched the program. I push myself for my art and like most artists, suffer for it. I don't need to eat right now, I'm in the zone and I want to finish this piece. Sleep is for the weak (not that I really get much sleep anyway because of my insomnia). Next to school, work and pushing myself to do better, I don't have time for a mental breakdown. I want to finish this first. I lost weight, sleep, stability, social connection, my health...all because I kept making these unrealistic expectations for myself that I had to be my best all of the time. I understand it's not healthy and I am strongly against it when it comes to others to do the same, but I guess I'm far better at giving advice than taking it, even if it's from myself.

So I produced less. My sketchbook is filled with things that I have never shown anyone, but I figured that if I wanted to complete them, that meant that I had to spend time to make them finished pieces which was a hard, grueling process. I can't simply just complete the line art and color it. No, it has to be shaded, with a background and everything. Otherwise it's not done and I won't be satisfied until I do that, even if I know that in doing so was caustic. My sketchbook keeps getting fuller, but making them into finished pieces was so draining. I still do my art and I'm very happy with what I produce, but it's few and far between. In high school it was easy for me to just pop out a drawing and color it with single blocks of color and be perfectly happy with it. At the time I didn't know the skills that I do now so I was happy with the quality. It was easy, but got harder over time the more I practiced and developed new ways to make it better even though they took more time and attention to get there.

Upon reflection I realize that not all of these thoughts and feelings were just my own. They were amplified by my anxiety and depression. Both of them cloud my mind and make a problem seem bigger than it actually is. While I was making my Anxiety piece, I thought about how my relationship with it. During the critique I expressed that my personal relationship with my anxiety has very much to do with self harming, not physically, but emotionally. My anxiety attacks me and closes in on me until it takes control. The same goes for my depression. Sometimes it feels that it controls me instead of me controlling it. It's coming from myself, inside my head, hitting right where my insecurities are and no one knows me like I know myself. Sometimes it feels like my depression and anxiety are two separate entities and sometimes it feels like I AM my anxiety and depression. They are me and not me at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I'm going to take a step back and somehow drop my own impossible expectations down a few notches. By some miracle I'll have to condition myself to be content with just putting out unfinished pieces. Sketches can be sketches and WIP's can stay as WIP's. Artists' portfolios will never not have studies and sketches and practices and the like, otherwise they would never be able to make masterpieces. If there are artists without any prof of their 10,000 hours of practice to get where they are, I wouldn't trust them. They have superpowers in that case. I'm not looking for a solution to my problems and this is really something that I have to figure out for myself. I'll get through it, I know. It sucks, but I'll get through it and end up on top. If it means that I can end up with perfect happiness, I'll drag myself through Hell to get there without the slightest hesitation. I'm not in the healing process, I don't expect to be for a while, but I'll get there. I have to get through the trial first before I can start healing. I'm working on it, but I'm slowly getting there, one step at a time. Slow progress is still progress. It's not about who gets there the fastest. What matters is that you just get there.

Sorry if this was a drag through my emotional baggage, but I feel better now that I've written it. Even if all other aspects of my health I've dropped, I think that being in touch with your emotions is the most crucial part of your health that you cannot slack on. They have the most power over your body, enough to override all control, so keep them sacred. Get to know your emotions and understand them. Nurture them, protect them, listen to them. If you don't, they can explode and believe me when I say that the damage they cause is catastrophic.